Are You Being Authentic, or Performing Authenticity?

Everywhere we look, being authentic is praised as one of the highest virtues we can possess and a way to enhance our wellbeing. Why is there this deep craving, though, to be seen as authentic?

And has that craving turned “being authentic” into a kind of performance in our online world and also in how we work with people?

Vulnerability has become content. “Just be honest with yourself” is used as a marketing technique. The phrase “This is my truth” is used to firmly lock down a version of events. It all looks incredibly carefree and candid on the surface, but often, it can be a staged candid moment. 

There is an effort involved in constantly being “real” for people. We share our struggle and our journey, but if we always have one eye on how it lands with our audience, we are performing growth, openness, and realness, which is exhausting for us and can feel fake for them.

The Wounded Healer

Part of running a coaching business is connecting with your audience through your story and building a personal brand. This is something I teach my students and graduates, and I truly believe there is real value in sharing our history. There is an old adage – the wounded healer – meaning we often teach what we ourselves needed to learn.

But I always hold a caveat alongside that: we have to be a few steps ahead of the people we are reaching out to. 

We have to feel healed enough from our past to teach well, to coach well, and to safely hold space for another person. Ultimately, our job as coaches is to help others experience change, build supportive habits, and feel better about themselves. If we are still crumbling under the weight of our own ongoing story, are we really serving the people we say we want to help?

Sometimes, when I see a display of vulnerability where someone is actively emoting through their story just to connect with an audience, it carries a level of calculation that doesn’t sit right with me.

Our stories are a fact. You can open up and share facets of your past because it serves a purpose for the person listening. But they don’t need to completely destabilise you emotionally every time you share it.

Now, does that mean you are not being vulnerable if you are not emotionally affected? Or are you simply deciding to protect your boundaries? Navigating this boundary is essential when showing up as your authentic self in a coaching business. You have to protect yourself, too.

The Motive and the After-Feeling

So, how do we actually tell the difference between true authenticity and a performed version of it?

I think it comes down to two things: the motive and the after-feeling.

First, consider the motive. Am I sharing this piece of myself for the sake of the audience – to be seen as open, honest, or “good”? Would I still share it regardless of how it was being perceived? Performed authenticity keeps one eye on the reception. Perhaps real authenticity doesn’t much care who is watching. It happens completely unwitnessed.

How does your story move you and make you feel in your unwitnessed life? And if it really unsettles you, is it wise to share?

Second, pay attention to the after-feeling once you have shared your story. Performed authenticity can leave you feeling anxious as to how it was received and wanting external approval. That is not a comfortable feeling.

A genuine share, on the other hand, leaves you completely satisfied, as nothing was riding on the response.

Sharing Authentically 

If you are building your coaching practice or thinking of becoming a coach, then you need to navigate what authenticity means for you. Before you share a post, a personal story, or a vulnerable moment with a client, pause and ask yourself:

Then, notice the feeling that follows. Do you feel empty, anxiously waiting for a reaction? How would you feel if the response was completely silent, or even negative? Or do you feel settled and complete within yourself, happy with the share regardless of how it lands?

If we want to share an authenticity that genuinely matters, it needs to come from the heart and be there to serve another person, not just to collect likes. That is what makes a story worth trusting and what makes someone a great coach.

In our Health and Wellbeing Coach Training, we explore how your own story can help you build rapport with clients and form the foundation of an authentic personal brand.