The Trap of Perfection

I can feel the irony of wanting to write this article on perfectionism, as I sit with a feeling that it has to be perfect! I can sense it within my body. A feeling of agitation, a low-level anxiety of worry about how my words will be perceived, the desire for it to be good, and I can sense the pull of not wanting to write, to go and do a thousand other things instead.

Perhaps you have felt that too?

Many of us have. The trap of perfectionism is the desire to excel without taking the necessary steps to achieve that goal. It creates a sense of discomfort. And our bodies tend to avoid discomfort. We seek to soothe ourselves instead. However, change, the underlying factor in coaching, requires discomfort. We have to step out of the comfort zone of what we always do to embrace something new.

The Goal And The Gap

In coaching, we ask, “What do you want?” To clarify your dream, desires, vision of your future, and the person you wish to be. We ask, “How do you show up to be that person?” What do they do to have the —— (fill in the blank)? How do they look after themselves to feel good?

Whilst these are great questions, they can create discombobulation as we look at our present lives and see the gap.

And this gap is where perfectionism can take hold; it sees that we are not that person, living that life. It notices that we are not perfecting the routine, looking as fit as we imagined, or making the money we envisioned for our future.

The perfectionist mind convinces us that it’s safer not to try because we cannot execute that ideal reality in this exact moment. We look at the giant leap required to bridge the gap, and we freeze before taking the very first step.

That fantasy of perfection becomes a burden. You don’t put on your trainers to work out, you don’t reach out to a potential client, and you don’t make the change you know you need to make.

Perfectionism vs. Healthy Striving

To be fair to perfectionism, it does have an upside. It stems from a deeply commendable desire to do well, to produce something of quality, and to do your best. There is something wonderful about wanting to stretch yourself. Perfectionism isn’t inherently bad; we have to honour that part of us that simply wants to excel.

But there is a critical distinction we must make here, one that researcher Brené Brown captures perfectly:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimise or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame.”

As Brené Brown points out, healthy striving is internally driven—it’s focused on self-improvement, growth, and asking, “How can I improve?” Perfectionism, on the other hand, is externally driven—it’s consumed by the fear of what others will think, asking, “What will they say?”

The downside of perfectionism is that wanting to do well so badly means we become absolutely terrified of doing badly.

And doing something new will feel uncomfortable at first. Changing habits and behaviours means doing things you haven’t done before. It feels unnatural. There is no ease, no flow—just a distinct, heavy “stickiness.” When we look at our early, messy results, the perfectionist voice jumps in: “See? You’re useless at this.” We look at others who make it look easy, tie our awkward first steps to our self-worth, and decide, “I’m a failure. I can’t do this.”

When those thoughts run the show, they always lead to the exact same action: doing nothing at all.

The Lowest Standard of All

This is the ultimate delusion of perfectionism. We cling tightly to this impossibly high standard, fooling ourselves into thinking it’s about ambition and quality. But the reality is that perfectionism results in the lowest standard possible: doing absolutely nothing.

To break the spell, we have to trade perfectionism for healthy striving. We have to remember that we don’t need to be perfect before we start; we perfect things by taking action. We have to dismantle our attachment to being flawless and look at the rigid beliefs keeping us stuck, actively replacing them with a kinder, messier truth:

True growth doesn’t live in a flawless, idealised future finish line; it lives in the uncomfortable, sticky, honest present. So let’s put down the heavy burden of getting it right, embrace the messy process of healthy striving, and just take that first imperfect step.