The Difference Between Self-Care and Self-Soothing (And Why It Matters)

After years of working in wellbeing, I’ve noticed something that keeps coming up in conversations with clients: the confusion between self-care and self-soothing.

Someone will tell me about their self-care routine – the nightly glass of wine, the weekend shopping trips, the endless scrolling through social media when stressed. And while these things aren’t inherently problematic, they’re often not actually serving the person’s wellbeing in the way they hope.

Self-soothing is what we do to feel better in the moment. It’s our nervous system’s way of seeking immediate relief from discomfort, stress, or overwhelm. Think wine after a hard day, retail therapy when you’re sad, or endless Netflix when you’re avoiding something difficult.

Self-care, on the other hand, is what we do to actually take care of ourselves over time. It’s the actions that support our long-term wellbeing, even when they don’t provide instant gratification.

Both have their place. But when we consistently mistake one for the other, we end up feeling worse rather than better.

Why We Confuse Them

The confusion is understandable. Both self-soothing and self-care can involve the same activities. A bath can be genuine self-care if you’re tired and need to relax. But it becomes self-soothing if you’re using it to avoid having a difficult conversation or tackling an overwhelming task.

The difference isn’t in what you do, it’s in why you’re doing it and what effect it has on your overall wellbeing.

I’ve noticed this confusion particularly around food and drink. Having a glass of wine to unwind can be perfectly fine. But when that glass becomes a bottle, or when it’s your primary way of dealing with stress, you’ve moved from self-care into self-soothing territory.

The same goes for shopping, social media, and even exercise. These activities aren’t inherently good or bad; it’s about whether they’re serving your actual wellbeing or just providing a temporary escape.

There’s a crucial difference between activities that genuinely care for us and activities that simply soothe us in the moment. Understanding this distinction can transform how we approach our own wellbeing.

The Self-Soothing Trap

Self-soothing isn’t evil. Our nervous systems need ways to regulate when we’re overwhelmed. The problem comes when self-soothing becomes our only strategy for dealing with discomfort.

When we’re stressed, our brains naturally seek the quickest path to feeling better. This often means reaching for whatever provides immediate relief, food, shopping, screens, or substances. These things work in the moment because they give our nervous system a break from whatever’s causing distress.

But they don’t actually address the underlying issue. The stressful situation is still there the next day, often made worse by whatever consequences your self-soothing created.

I see this pattern frequently. Someone feels overwhelmed at work, so they soothe with takeaway and wine most evenings. They feel temporarily better, but over time, they’re more tired, less healthy, and no closer to addressing what’s making work stressful in the first place.

What Real Self-Care Looks Like

True self-care often doesn’t feel immediately gratifying. It’s going to bed early when you’d rather watch another episode. It’s having that uncomfortable conversation instead of avoiding it. It’s meal prepping on Sunday even when you don’t feel like it.

Self-care is future-focused. It’s asking: “What does my future self need from me right now?” rather than “What will make me feel better immediately?”

Sometimes self-care involves setting boundaries, saying no to commitments that drain you, or asking for help when you need it. Sometimes it’s addressing problems head-on rather than hoping they’ll resolve themselves.

The tricky thing about self-care is that it often requires us to tolerate discomfort in the short term for long-term benefit. This goes against our brain’s natural preference for immediate relief.

Finding the Balance

I’m not suggesting you never soothe yourself when stressed. Sometimes a glass of wine and a takeaway is exactly what you need. The key is being honest about what you’re doing and why.

Ask yourself: “Is this helping me cope with a temporary situation, or am I avoiding something I need to address?”

If you’ve had a genuinely difficult day and you choose to order pizza and watch a film, that might be perfect self-care – giving yourself permission to rest and recover. But if you’re doing this every night because you can’t face cooking or because work stress is overwhelming you, that’s self-soothing masquerading as self-care.

Practical Self-Care That Actually Works

Real self-care often involves doing things that support your wellbeing even when you don’t feel like it:

Physical care: Regular sleep, nourishing food, movement that feels good, medical check-ups when needed.

Emotional care: Processing difficult feelings rather than numbing them, setting boundaries, asking for support when you need it.

Mental care: Taking breaks from overwhelm, learning to say no, addressing problems rather than avoiding them.

Environmental care: Creating spaces that support your wellbeing, reducing clutter, organising your surroundings.

The common thread is that these actions serve your long-term wellbeing, even if they require effort in the moment.

When to Be Concerned

If you find yourself consistently choosing immediate relief over long-term wellbeing, it might be worth examining what’s driving that pattern. Are you dealing with chronic stress that needs addressing? Are you using self-soothing to avoid uncomfortable feelings or situations?

Sometimes what we call self-care is actually self-avoidance. And while our nervous system needs regulation, if soothing activities are your only coping strategy, you might benefit from expanding your toolkit.

Moving Forward

Start paying attention to how different activities make you feel afterwards. True self-care should leave you feeling better equipped to handle your life, not more depleted or guilty.

When you’re tempted to reach for immediate relief, pause and ask: “What would actually serve my wellbeing right now?” Sometimes it will still be that glass of wine or that online shopping session. But sometimes it might be calling a friend, going for a walk, or simply getting an early night.

The goal isn’t to eliminate all self-soothing; it’s to be intentional about when you’re soothing versus when you’re truly caring for yourself. Both have their place, but knowing the difference can transform how you feel about your choices and their impact on your wellbeing.

What would genuine self-care look like in your life today?